[I am in the middle of a series about communication but I just couldn't help write about this one. So please excuse;)]
I have always believed that jealousy springs from insecurity and hence it is not something one can openly strut around or at least be proud of.
But today, I was in for a real shock. My husband’s younger brother recently got engaged to his long-time girlfriend. Sweet couple they make. Totally bubbly, chirpy and the newly romantics. Though we (me and my husband) had a courtship of more than 3 years and a real lovey-dovey one at that the newly-engaged’s romance makes me nostalgic.
Talking of what prompted me to write this post- today all of us went shopping. In one of the posh stores there was a poster with a male model. My brother-in-law, J, commented about how he would make a far better model than the one in this poster. He is totally, completely, fully in love with himself and only a degree or two short of narcissism. The reaction of C (J’s fiancee) was an emphatic negation of his castle-in-air-wish. She stated as a matter of ethics and pride that she would NEVER let him work as a model. I was witnessing all that and I believed the two of them are just joking themselves. Until she changed her tone and underlined the fact that she truly meant it.
I just confirmed by asking her whether she was joking or she would actually not allow him? And she confirmed my fears saying “of course I wouldn’t. I can’t stand my husband being looked at by other females. I would NEVER EVER let him work in such professions. I can’t stand other dames talking of him.” She wasn’t being bossy or over-powering but she just couldn’t let her to-be-husband do it. She was just being natural about it.
But to me it was a wholly unnatural situation. Not because it was a female who was asking a male not to work or do so and so. But because I for one just can’t understand the fact that how would some other female/male looking your spouse make your spouse want you lesser. I mean, I have lived with this premise that the relationships I hold are not at the mercy of the advent or in-advent of a stranger. It is me and my partner who make or break a relationship. The relationship is not stable because there is no third party and neither is it unstable because there is a third party. If some other female can lull away my husband then our relationship must have had holes. I or he must have left some area of our relationship untouched where the third party could make a better mark. And if my husband or any of my relatives for that matter are too fickle-minded to understand the worthiness of a relationship then I would rather not stay with them for long.
Hence jealousy has hardly ever made sense to me. I, on the contrary have enjoyed the attention my mate would garner at parties. I feel proud. I feel like holding his hand and teasing the on-looking females and telling them “See i got what you yearn for…ha ha ha”
But what I heard today shook my entire understanding of the concept of jealousy. And hence me is posting this at midnight. Hope by the morning I would have forgotten it or sorted it out.
Please do tell me what is your take on jealousy. Are me and my hubby the only ones living on this premise? Has enlightenment suddenly dawned on me today and hence I see it as a shock or was C’s behavior a sign of immature childish romance? (How I wish you would vote for latter reason)
Good night folks. Let me not dream of it tonight!
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November 1st, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Hi Minal.Came here from the comment you left on my blog and I am glad I did. I saw your about page and glad to know that you love people and that you love India. Same as me.
This topic - jealousy - is a very interesting one and I have thought about a lot in my life as I have met a lot of people who are jealous. I don’t feel this emotion, and therefore get very irritated when I come across jealousy in all it’s forms, whether it’s related to possessiveness about one’s spouse or simple envy. I too always believe it was insecurity and lack of confidence but after a lot of thinking I have come to the conclusion that ego too plays a part. I don’t know whether this is related to confidence or insecurity…I guess this too has a role, but ego is the main thing - at least that’s what I feel.
For example a man who sees his colleague overtake him at to work and is jealous will feel ‘hey I am better than him and so why has he got promotion…’ now whether that feeling justified or not is another question.
a woman or a man who sees his spouse with another also has this ego element. its like ME ME and ME and therefore this person’s life should revolve around ME. These are just very broad generalisations Minal and actually human motives are very complex and therefore cannot talk in particular about your b-i-l and fiance.
I like your blog and am putting you on my blogroll.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:50 pm
You are absoulutely right in your funda. It’s not only jealousy.. I feel it’s also sense of insecurity too. Strong bond of true love can never be insecure..
November 1st, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Hi nita,
thanks for visiting me soooo sooon … actually didn’t expect such quick response.
And yeah, human emotions are TRULY complex. But i can’t help analyzing them. Too engrossed. And yesterday’s instance actually shocked me. Remember that ad ’shock laga, shock laga, shock laga’ of Havells electric swithces. It was something like that. But will not be shocked again to hear such amazing views on life. After all lifeZamaZing!
November 1st, 2007 at 2:04 pm
And hey thanks for adding me to your blogroll.. HONOURED. Believe me I feel it not-too-often.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Hey Bharath, thanks for supporting. Last night I had started doubting my core beliefs of life.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Hi, pretty young lady!
I couldn’t find a place to comment at your ‘About’ page.
Nice to know you like Atlas Shrugged. We have something in common, then!
You seem to write well, and I will definitely come in again and spend some time here.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Love is blind; marriage is a great eye-opener.
If she has the time later to notice who is looking at her husband, God help her because she clearly does not have a life of her own.
As the cliché goes: if you want something, set it free.
Besides the relationship’s longevity depends not on how tight she holds on, but how desirable she remains as a companion way after the s*x and idle romance has run its course…
November 1st, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Hi Minal,
Thanks for dropping by.
Whenever I visit your site, I get a Trojan virus warning. Are you aware of it? Please do the needful so that I can visit your site often. Thank you.
Voracious Blog Reader
November 4th, 2007 at 12:30 am
Hi Minal..
The story which u said abt u r “Devar& bhabi” is not a new thing…and i may say..that bhabi is not at all jealous..she’s just so common wife out there .. insecure..
Also your argument…”The relationship is not stable because there is not third party and neither is it unstable because there is a third party. If some other female can lull away my husband then our relationship must have had holes. I or he must have left some area of our relationship untouched where the third party could make a better mark.”
This is a good ideal statement to make..Humans are not so much flawless..For men..beauty can make a difference…just an e.g:If a more beautiful women than you, approaches u r husband…mind you, it will be a tough situation for u r hubby until he’s madly in love with you…but there is one saying that a man’s heart is always big for more beauties..for all those arranged marriage couples…i can surely say such threats is always persits…A wife will become boring after some years for a common man..and always an approach by a more beautiful women can definitely shake an existing relationship…
so just to sum up…the probability is always high to fall for a more attractive/beautiful women…so women in general are possessive abt husbands as they are out their in the world among womens(while housewife’s stay at home ..) same may apply to working women…
and Jealousy in general SUCKS!!!!no doubt
November 6th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Hello dear nitin,
okkk talking of jealousy, firstly NOO i m not the typical non-jealous bhabhi who is all set in the home and is epitome of ‘hindustani nari’. i m a radicalist. and to ur pathetic argument (don’t mind) about women becoming boring after a while i would just want to ask… why do you think only women become boring. How about men becoming boring? And trust me they do.
sorry me is replying to your comment pretty late,
but u see, was busy shopping for diwali
And about some pretty dame approaching my hubby, ohh i would be glad to see her try for it as long as he is not interested in her. And in case he too starts feeling interested, i would try and understand that every relation has an age. And our has reached its age. NOO i would not compromise on his promiscuity and neither would i want him to stick to me inspite of his will.
And your last presumption about women being more possessive, may be its your experience but mine has been utterly opposite. I have always found men to be impossibly possessive- where did you go? with which friend? when r u coming back? blah blah blah.
and i def agree to your last statement “jealousy sucks”. You bet it does…:) Happy diwali!
November 7th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
Hi Minal,that’s a real thought provoking post.I guess I need to take a leaf out of your book here.Great writing,keep it up
November 8th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
I think jealousy is a worthless emotion, much like the appendix is a worthless organ.
Of course, the appendix sometimes becomes inflamed, thus causing more trouble than it’s worth.
When you clearly see how worthless and dangerous jealousy is, you tend not to indulge yourself in it, nor allow it to become inflamed.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
I forgot to mention you’ve got a real cool blog here!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
hi paul
thanks for visiting. n i like the analogy! jealousy=appendix. Amusing!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
And sameera,
thanks a lot. i m plain HAPPY!
November 9th, 2007 at 9:11 am
Minalji..
Happy and prosperous Diwali..
Well every-statement made by me is IN GENERAL..I bet there are exceptions..like you..totally different thinking(very correct too)..
Human emotions are so complex…and it overcomes our brain at times…doesn’t ppl knw jealously is BAD(i mean their brain)..but still they cant control it..
November 27th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Hi Minal,
Reading comments was as much fun as reading the post
Liked your observation and understanding of this pretty-common yet often misunderstood emotion!
Jealousy, I have seen is not just restricted to the opposite sexes or between spouses… It can errupt in any relationship! And trust me, from what I have seen..you and your hubby are a very mature couple to take things like these by your stride (touch wood)…
I feel really sad seeing couples truly in love, getting all jealous and ruining whatever trust or faith they have may have for each other!
Now, coming to the root cause, I would say it erupts from insecurity and insecurity alone! You just do not want to lose what you have… and hence, you can not tolerate even a minimum possible threat!!
At the same time, I do not think people are genetically born, the jealous types.. I think the chemistry between the people involved in a relationship determines whether it will go the jealousy way or not! Finally boils down to understanding what the other wants and seein to it that your requirements from the relationship are also fulfilled!
Good write up!
Ciao!
November 27th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
hey nova,
good for me.
jealousy is catching up i think
n yeah i agree with u on insecurity issue and as long as me n my hubby go- YES so far it is so good but both of live this understand- that so far so good!!
it helps to keep the fire burning… if u don’t work hard u might just lose what you hold dear
November 27th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
mmmm…. too lazy to write… may be someother time..
December 9th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
HI MInal, I really like your blog, added it to my blog roll…
Jealousy!I always thought i could never get jealous of anything on this earth… But then, may be this example of my boy friend/husband doing an ad would make me proud and not jealous! After all, let the whole world know how handsome he is!
But there are certian things that really take the form of jealousy in me. I’m generally not possessive of anything, but few things, like my best freind spending more time with someone else and not me, drives me mad totally!!! if being possessive is another name for jealousy, then i too am!
March 17th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
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