LifeZamaZing

Ok, coming down to second part of Simple Communication. Those of you who are here for the first time, this is the second post of Simple communication ain’t so simple. It would be helpful if you could go through the first post before you go ahead.
Here we shall talk of some really really simple rules of communication. Things that I believe everyone, just everyone should know. And some of which I am sure all of you do.

And before you go ahead, some good news- the first post in this series has been featured on the home page of Ezine Articles. SMIIILEEEEEE. You could check it out here. Thank you everyone for the support.

Okkk now to start with

—>Public = positive
No matter how offended you are with someone NEVER EVER criticize the other party in public (public is anyone except the two of you). You shall earn nothing but contempt of the other person and back biting of all your viewers. Everyone makes mistakes but no one likes to be insulted in public. Hence if you have to remember just one rule about communication it is this. One of the most able managers I know, who was a perfectionist to the core, somehow never had stable or happy staff. Because every time she found someone’s mistake she would spare no time to reprimand the staff believing it would rectify the mistake and warn others. However, rectification never happened and the warning bells said- Never get caught with your mistake and jump to the very next decent paying job that you get. In spite of her excellent efforts, her section never performed excellently. Pity, isn’t it?! Hence always speak positive things in public. And when you appreciate- be LOUD. Everyone loves it. Exaggerate the positives.

—->Negative = No one else around
Your child may need a good lesson in manners but always have the manners to give it in privacy of your home. One cruel sentence in public does more harm than a hundred appreciating words in public can. So never ever demean others in front of others. Doing so compels the other party to be on the defensive and eventually leads to bitterness. So control thy temper and tongue if you want the other person to improve. Otherwise lash him with fittingly brutal words and he shall make it a point to live up to those words.

—>L………S.
Listen………..Speak. Always remember communication is a two way channel and listening is the first step to it. And yes, listening is the first step even if you want the other person to listen to you. If you think that just by speaking you will be heard, you couldn’t be more wrong. However in case of instructions like, please clear the cabinet, be sure to give the instruction. Because if you don’t then that task cannot be done. In case of instructions probably you might have to speak before you listen. But otherwise the golden rule always works.

—> Something is better than nothing
Speak up. Even if it is only gurgling noises and incoherent argument, it will be better than not having said anything and letting things go haywire. Convince yourself of one thing- It is better to keep the communication channel open. You might be misunderstood if you are not well-prepared but hey, if you never voiced your voice, you think you would be understood correctly??! But usually this works in private communication. Professionally you would have to be more prepared.

—>Sort yourself out
ANALYZE. EVALUATE. UNDERSTAND. Imagine a baker who wants to teach you to bake. But what if he is not sure of the recipe? How effectively would he be able to teach you? Similarly, until you have sorted out your feelings, evaluated your emotions and understood the situation, you shall never be able to make coherent communication. And the topping to the half baked cake would be your frustration out others not understanding you! But sweetheart, you’ve got to understand yourself first, isn’t it?

—>Wait, till you are sorted out
Now, say after hours of debating and warring with yourself, you are still unclear about your emotions. Then how do you communicate? By keeping quiet. See there is no point in speaking up something until you know what you want to. But yes, as a tip you could try closing yourself in a room and debating the issues with yourself ALOUD. Try using the mirror as your alter. Keep two chairs, change your place physically from one to another, understand the ambivalence of the situation and then speak up. Or you could simply write out your feelings.It helps in clarifying your vision. But until you and your alter ego are at peace, do us a favor, postpone any arguments.

—>Say sorry!
Come on you know that you are wrong. You are only and only defending yourself. But for heaven’s sake try admitting the mistake. Trust me there is no such exhilarating feeling. You will feel completely unburdened and the next step about making up for the mistake would start. Till you keep defending yourself, you don’t even take remedial measures.

—> Take help of a professional
The professional could be your best friend, the agony aunts of newspapers, a book or a family member, or an actual professional. I have seen many a times, just by speaking yourself out, you feel elevated. And then you can pitch your stand or justify your feeling before the concerned parties. You see, rehearsal doesn’t hurt.

—-> Instructions got to be clear
Say you are at any supervisory position. You could be a housewife supervising the maid but when you are given that responsibility make sure your instructions are clear and consistent. I know of this house-maker who is fully dedicated to her family. But her maids are perennially confused and under pressure. Because one, she will not give clear and precise instructions and her instructions are hardly ever consistent. Make tea, would be her instruction. But make it for how many people, use this milk or that (she has a couple of types), with or without adrak- no other instructions. The maid using her common sense makes the one she made last time. But this time the homemaker wanted a different sort, of which the maid naturally had no idea. Hence a clash. The homemaker conveniently forgets that it is she who is not clear and consistent. Hence be clear and consistent.

So, ingrain these ground rules into your daily life and you shall not need to read any more books or articles or blogs on communication. But you’d better keep reading mine.

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All of us know how important communication is in our lives. Forget about how important it is to succeed and to make a killing presentation, I would say communication is equally important to get a date, to be received warmly at a bank/shop/friend’s place, to be served quickly at a restaurant, etc. etc. Just about Anything. And as I write about it I actually get the full meaning of what Paul Waltzwick meant when he said “You cannot NOT communicate”. He was so absolutely true. The irony of it is even if you don’t communicate, you ARE intrinsically communicating that you DON’T want to communicate. Ghosh! there is no way around this thing.

So,, we shall be discussing simple communication in good detail here at lifezamazing.com. But for today we shall stick to basic mistakes people make about communicating. However before we start lets briefly understand why we need to communicate

to feel good- it’s so much better after you have spoken to your best friend
to make others feel better- imagine if you could just not tell your children how much they meant to you!
to make others feel bad/ugly/weird- i am sure you have come across such times! I, for one have
to lead- now, how can you even think of leading if you can’t even get yourself across to them
to clarify- all of us do goof up at times and that is when we need to communicate the most
to achieve- i.e. to live life king-size
to progress- remove communication from human evolution and you shall see there is no evolution possible
to avoid exploding- well, how long do you think you would be able to survive without expressing yourself
to enrich- ourselves, our life and that of everyone around us

and for a million other reasons!

Well, volumes and volumes have been written on why’s and how’s of communication. But we somehow still tend to make similar mistakes over and over again. Its really strange to see people not knowing simple rules of communication and that of communicating in time. Many problems also occur due to ill-timed communication. However, generally the most common mistakes that one comes across are

It is understood!
Now, how do you think it is understood?? I mean, is your spouse/child/boss/colleague an oracle or a mind-reader? How do you suppose does the other person knows until you have told him so? This is THE MOST COMMON presumption people tend to make. And it is the most disastrous one as well.

Of course he knows
Fine. Agreed that you had told him that you are really looking forward to the party this weekend. But what’s the harm in repeating it again? Wouldn’t that be better than sitting home all weekend and cribbing over his memory loss? It’s not necessary that once you say it, it stays in the other person’s mind forever. A simple reminder however unnecessary it may seem does not harm. But make sure its polite. No one likes to listen to deadlines in deadly words.

Why clarify? / They shall never know
Probably. But what if luck had it and somehow they did learn about your small, simple, innocent goof up. Would they see it as that? NOOO. To the other party it would be nothing short of a sabotage. And the fact that you hid it purposefully would add necessary fuel to the fire. Hence please clarify your stand or wrong doing. Secrets never stay so for long.

Didn’t get time / Was too busy
Are you kidding me? You who consciously evaluated the situation and decided not to speak about it, are trying to say that you did not find time to tell such a simple thing? And believe me even if you REALLY did not get time for it, no one in this age of easy and rapid communication is going to believe you. So even if it is true think of some other reason.

I was just going to tell you that. / Wanted to tell you that only
And what were you waiting for? For bells to ring or for dinosaurs to re-appear? It sounds so frivolous when you confront someone with an intentionally held back topic and you get answers like “I was just going to tell you” Ha aah… Give me a break. Try something new. Like being honest but tactful.

I didn’t mean that. /I wasn’t saying that
Just when one is caught up from all sides this is the most commonly used excuse. But as I just mentioned everyone knows its just an excuse. And how do you think the other person is NOT going to believe something you just said but understand the tacit implication of your sentence? It doesn’t work. It only proves you to be more foolish.

Ummm…. aaaa….. hmmm… ahnnnn
How much would like to listen to this when you want words? The internal sounds of your throat do not make up for a lost cause or a good impression. They do not prove your competence, innocence or just anything except your lack of preparation.

So, just avoid such simple stupidities and you shall be very much on your way to enriching life.

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